Monday, July 02, 2007

Chapter Fifty Three - The Grinch! Is My Heart 2 Sizes Too Small?

If my hair is falling out due to stress, then give me a week and I’ll be completely bald! Why can’t I ever see when I’ve got something good, something worth hanging on to? Why am I so damned greedy? I’ve been dumped by Rob after, ooohh, what, about 24 hours after we kissed in the rain? Now that’s gotta be a world record! I feel empty and shit...

I’d just left him and was getting near to Tamsin’s house and was really lost on the high of that kiss. His touch unlocked all the feelings that I’ve been restraining so admirably and I virtually floated down the street. My stomach was flipping and it took every inch of reserve to stop me launching into ‘Singing In The Rain’ and Gene Kelly’ing my way through the puddles. I’d decided that it was all so much easier now - I could tell Tam about how she’s being so boring with Ade. Now that I KNEW that I wasn’t interested in him, it all made sense. The final pieces of the jigsaw had jostled into place and the resulting picture was superb. I was bursting to tell her all about me and Rob and I was sure she’d be delighted. She’d better have been, I’d thought, especially after how ‘good’ I’d been about her asking Ade out. I’d planned on being an ace best-friend and telling her in a diplomatic and kind way about her scruffiness. And then when I’d helped her see how she was letting herself go we could open another bottle of wine and have a cosy girlie chat about Rob and then about Mum’s wedding. And then talk about me and Rob again. And again. We had loads to catch up on!
Then somebody stepped out in front of me and stood under my brolly with me, completely shocking me out of my rose-coloured-glasses mode. It was Adrian!
It all went wonky after that...

*

I felt sick and shocked to see Ade standing in front of me. He smiled and I melted.
See?
Easy as that?
Pathetic aren‘t I?
“Hey, you going to see Tamsin?” he grinned.
“No,” I pulled a wide-eyed sarcastic look, “I just LOVE walking the streets, aimlessly, in the rain. Oh, yes, look? I‘m in Tam‘s street! What a coincidence. Oh, I might as well then!”
“Hey,” he touched my arm, “don‘t be like that. Sophie,” his voice softened, “I really need to talk to you.”
“Ade. There really is nothing to say. The flowers and messages and stuff that you sent as apologies were lovely, but you made me feel like shit. And you knew what you were doing - it was no accident. There‘s nothing to say.”
“But there IS. Please. Look, just come for one drink with me and let me talk. Please! ONE drink only. At least give me that chance to explain face to face.”
“I don‘t think so.”
“Please. Anyway,” a cheeky twinkle sparkled in his eyes as he said, “I AM going to be your first Sophie Dilemma date - so it‘d surely be best to get all of our personal, messy stuff out of the way before that, eh?”
And I realised that the dilemma situation was looming and that he actually had a point. So I agreed.
“OK, I give in. Just one drink though.”
He crossed his chest with his fingers, “Scouts honour.”
And with that we walked on, past Tamsin‘s house and to the end of the street and around the corner where the grotty pub was. I knew it was wrong, that I shouldn’t even consider giving him my time - especially when he is Tamsin’s boyfriend - but I walked on anyway. It was weird going straight past Tam’s, seeing her lights on and thinking that I would have been in there by now, taking off my wet coat and leaving my brolly in her hallway. It felt bad - as if we were betraying her, but I had to hear what Ade wanted to say. It was true that there was unfinished business between us and I wanted to lay it to rest. And I am so insanely nervous about the Sophie Dilemma campaign that any chance to talk it through is more than welcome...
If only I knew what the implications of that, rather boring, and quick drink were going to have.

*

Rob was gutted. He’d stood to watch Sophie walk toward Tamsin’s and while he waited he’d decided it was a perfect time to text her about the log cabin. He pulled out his mobile and wrote,

I NEED 2 TLK TO U - SUMTHING I GOTTA TELL U.
HOPE U WON’T MIND. TELL U 2MORO. XX

He’d waited to see her approach the front door and ring the bell. Only she hadn’t. She walked on until she ‘accidentally on purpose’ bumped into Ade and they’d stood for a few minutes, having a cosy chat under her umbrella, before laughing and scurrying off together. Talk about a double whammy! Ade was cheating on Tam, Sophie was cheating on Tam AND telling him lies too! He was disappointed and hurt. He’d sat and endured bloody Jennifer, who loved nothing more than a good old whinge-up, for too many evenings in the hope of finding the right moment to ask Sophie to go to the log cabin with him. Now he felt foolish and pathetically romantic. He’d read the signs wrong again and it had cost him - both in his pocket and emotionally. Sophie obviously still had a ‘thing’ for Adrian, despite the crap way that he’d treated her. Maybe she was one of those women who liked men who weren’t very nice to them. But he hadn’t had her labelled as one of them. What a let down. And the log cabin? He might as well give it to somebody else for a nice mini break before Christmas...

*

How can one person totally misread an entire whole scenario? After that quick drink with Ade I realised that he really wasn’t worth worrying about - simply a guy with lots going for him - except a sliver of integrity. So no loss there then. I’d gone on to spend a few hours with Tamsin and had managed to talk to her about where she thought her and Ade were heading. We had a few laughs and she even began to say how she missed our girlie nights out and was a little bored with the whole stay-at-home-with-the-boyfriend routine. So I’d pulled out my mobile to call a cab at about 11.30pm only to find a message from Rob. It said something about wanting to tell me something and hoping that I didn’t mind. And my worse fears hit me in the stomach. I’d felt sick as I’d been certain he was going to tell me that he really likes Jennifer. I suppose in a way I was expecting it, after all the time they’ve spent together. It seems like Ade was only getting close to me to get to Tam, so why so unbelievable that Rob might be getting close to me for access to Jen? I was certain that I’m always destined to lose the guy I like to somebody close to me. I’m virtually a fucking donor!

And then I woke up this morning to a voice message from Rob. His voice sounded cold and edgy - nothing like the warmth that I expected from him and I feel ashamed at my indecision. I should never have gone for that drink with Ade - it wasn’t fair on Tam, or Rob, or ME! Once a loser always a loser, yeah? And he is a loser! If I began to stay single because of feeling crap after dating disastrous men, then being single when you’ve met someone that you REALLY like is even worse. I never got to hear what the ‘thing’ was that he had to tell me, because he was too busy spitting blood about how he’d stood and watched me walk off into the rain with Adrian. Damn! He’d seen us! And he thinks we’d planned it all. And so he wants nothing more to do with me. He called me some terrible names - a pompous cow being one of them - that really hurt. How could he really have liked me that much if he thought I was a pompous cow! And I SO am not that. I know that I’m not. To have had him so close and to have fucked it all up at the last minute is almost laughable. If only it was remotely funny.
Which it isn’t....

It’s always horrible being dumped. That surge of shitness that’s been kept at bay - held back by the invisible force field of the ‘highs’ of a new relationship, knocks you right over. Once the highs are shattered, once the magic has been broken the floodgates open and all that shit rushes right in. And it does knock you right over - even if the dumper was somebody that you had doubts about anyway! It makes you feel like crap, like you’re not a ‘proper’ or worthy person, like there’s something wrong with you. How many times have I asked myself whether I have ‘issues’ or whether I’m ‘good enough’? I’m so angry at myself too. The whole idea behind choosing to stay single was to avoid this emotional rollercoaster, so why the hell am I right back on it again? I’ve done far too many post mortems on dead relationships but I can’t figure this one with Rob. I was stupid, MORE than stupid to go for that drink with Ade. And I can’t talk to Tam about it because it means I have to reveal how I sneaked out with him behind her back. I can’t even ask Tam to have a chat with Rob on my behalf, for exactly the same reason! It’s a mess. And I have nobody to talk to! The whole deceit of that 45 minute chat in a seedy pub was supposed to break me free from Ade and all it has done is isolated me in a lonely loop all on my own. As I sit on the Tube train to work my eyes keep welling up as I want to talk to Rob. He’s my new best friend and now I know how I feel about him, it’s even worse. He’s helped me out so much over the last few months and now, when I really need to talk to him, I can’t. I’m ‘not allowed’ to. Because I’ve upset him and made him feel used and stupid.
So much for Christmas cheer? I feel yuk. I had him so close and now he’s so far away from me.
I’m like the bloody Grinch - maybe my heart is 2 sizes too small too???

Chapter Fifty Two
Chapter Fifty Four

2 comments:

Christy said...

Oh gosh. I don't know what to say. It seems there are lots of hearts being broken and some swelling up with possibility. I guess in love someone always gets hurt.

Sophie said...

Yes. Definitely. In love someone always gets hurt - at some stage. Then again, maybe I'm just a cynic. But do you blame me??!!!!

Things HAVE to get better soon...