Sunday, July 08, 2007

Chapter Fifty Five - The Yule Log (cabin)

The paperwork sat on Tamsin’s floor, neatly piled on her rag rug. She kept picking up the printed pages and reading them through, but not really taking in what they said. The log cabin looked adorable. Hugely romantic.
They were for couples, which freaked her out a little, considering she’d be going alone. It was puzzling her though. Rob had been great about the break up with Ade and had been totally supportive to her. He hadn’t hesitated to give her the info for the Scottish lodge and hadn’t asked any questions about what had happened between Ade and her. Which was good - because she didn’t actually know herself! Ade had been really nice about the way he’d told her that it was over. He’d explained that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that it had all got a little too cosy too quickly - but she still wasn’t entirely sure why he’d wanted to call it a day. Rob had made sense about it all and, once again, he’d been right when he’d pointed out how Tamsin had slipped straight from the messy relationship with Pete into a new one with Ade. And he was right too, when he’d said that she needed some time alone, some time to get to know herself, before she committed to anything else. As she sat cross-legged on her sofa, sipping a glass of red wine, she stared at the paperwork on the floor. Why had Rob booked the log cabin? And why had he booked it for the week BEFORE Christmas? And WHO had he booked it for? Himself plus one? Or for another couple? It didn’t make sense. She was going to go next weekend anyway. She’d been a little concerned about driving the 9 hours to Scotland, but Rob had already sorted her a cheap flight, so she had no excuse. She was looking forward to having some complete time out from her life. Time to chill and enjoy the peaceful surroundings. Rob had been right - she wanted to start the New Year with a revived and refreshed outlook. It was pointless being a serial dater - the next year was going to be all about Tam. Maybe Sophie had it right - choosing to remain single was going to be Tamsin’s aim from now on - no more unsuitable or unreliable men. It was all going to be about Tam from here on in.

This is the fourteenth time I’ve called Rob today and he’s not answering my calls. I swing from feeling desperate for the chance to explain myself, to being really fucking angry at him for being so gullible and jumping to conclusions about me! How DARE he think that I’m that flaky that I’d arrange to meet Ade behind Tamsin’s back! Or that I’d be less than honest with him, OR HER, about it too! In a way I can’t help but figure that if he thinks I’m that kind of spineless person, then what’s he interested in me for anyway? Doesn’t that say more about HIM than it does about ME? And then I lose the firecracker in me and feel terrible. All of those shit men, those terrible dates, those losers that dumped me WAY before I’d started my quest to stay single? They were nothing compared to how I feel now. This is different. Because I really like Rob. I mean, really, REALLY like him which makes it so much worse. And also because he’s angry with me for something that is a huge mistake! If only he’d give me the chance to explain! He’s obviously really angry at me - which is kind of good, because that means he really likes me, doesn’t it? Then it isn’t good too. Because if he likes me that much (like I do him) then wouldn’t it make sense for him to listen to what I have to say? MEN! Grrr - they’re SO damned stubborn!! The first guy I’ve kissed in years that I truly like on so many levels. His kiss made me melt right down to the middle of my body. That hasn’t happened for a long, long time. And now he won’t talk to me... So much for asking him to come to Mum’s wedding with me! What a joke THAT idea was! Didn’t even last 24 hours. And I have a week until my first ‘official’ Sophie Dilemma. And here I am, with a real one!
“Regan!” Delaney is calling for me first thing on Monday morning. It’s been a shit weekend and Rob is still refusing my calls. It’s outrageous and now I’m really annoyed at him. He’s acting like a stubborn school boy by not listening to my side of the story. I spoke to Tamsin about it and asked her if she’d seen Rob. She was FULL of news! Apparently Ade went around to see her over the weekend and broke it off with her. For no real reason. I knew he was planning to do that - he’d told me when we’d had our drink together. And I’d been right too - her laziness and overly-cosiness was freaking him out. So she’s been feeling awful too - poor love. After the break up with Pete too, it’s all too much in a short time span. But then she told me how Rob gave her a booking for a long weekend at a beautiful log cabin in Scotland. It sounds completely gorgeous - a cabin for two in a remote woodland in Scotland somewhere. She’s really puzzled about it all though. She said that the date on the booking was last week and that Rob wouldn’t say where he’d got it from or who he’d booked it for. Which leads me to think one of two things - he’d either booked it FOR Tam as a present for her and Ade, or he’d booked it for himself and somebody else. Could that somebody have been me? Or is he seeing somebody else too? Has he been seeing somebody else for the whole time we’ve been friends, but I’ve been so caught up with my own sorry state of affairs that I’ve never given him the chance to talk to me about it. Or was it for him and Jen all along? It just doesn’t bear thinking about... “REGAN!” Delaney’s loud voice breaks my trance and I grab my papers and rush to her office. “OK,” I huff and puff, “here.” “Good weekend?” she barks. “No, but let’s not talk about it.” “Oh,” she looks at me a little concerned but says nothing. Thank god. Because I really don’t want to talk about it. I keep thinking about how tormented I‘d been when Danny-the-chav had said how the word monogamous was so like monotonous and I’ve realised how wrong he was. It all depends on who you’re with and if it’s monotonous then you’re either doing it wrong or you’re doing it with the wrong person. Perhaps Jennifer WAS right when she’d said that publicising my ‘inadequacy’ wouldn’t help me to find a decent man. Of course she’d been right, because ultimately when I had the chance with Rob - I blew it. I’m useless. And now I have to put a smile on my face when Delaney shows me the cover for the Woman To Woman Christmas edition.

And then she shows me the one for the Geezer edition too.

And I see the bit about Ade Gets Sleigh'd and it reminds me what he's really like. It's worrying me that Ade is my first Sophie Dilemma...
I’d eat Delaney’s toenail cuttings out of a dog’s bowl rather than do these 4 dates for Sophie Dilemma. Delaney interrupts, “OK Sophie, we’re loading the SophieDilemma site this week. Going to show you a preview later today.”

How to pretend I’m excited?

Chapter Fifty Four
Chapter Fifty Six