Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Chapter Thirty Five - Postcards From The Edge!

I sent you guys a postcard today! My postcard list has been decidedly short, what with Tam, Mum, Jen - so I decided to send you all one too. Along with Ellie and Delaney and those horrible guys at Geezer! Anything to rub salt into the wound!

Playa del Ingles days are great for me, but then again I don´t have my heart and soul into this singles scene. I´ve spoken to Tam about what Adrian did and how much I hate this holiday and just when I´d listened to her pep talk and started to feel a little more positive, I get a text message from Ade telling me how sorry he is for all the mess. Then I get another text from Rob - what a nice guy. His message made me feel warm inside when I read it. I got 2 tingles - Adrian´s message gave me an initial (and unwated!) knicker twinge and then heartache, whilst Robs made me just feel warm and special. I´d love a brother like him - so supportive and kind, Tam is so lucky.

A combination of too much sangria (which is ESSENTIAL if I´m going to cope with these horrendous singles BBQs and GoKart evenings) and too much sun has given me a couple of problems too - a spot above my lip (which I always get in the sunshine!) and an intense horniness. The sunshine always makes me like this, and watching the fit guys around the pool along with the couples smooching is tough. I´d love to be here with that special guy. There´s a couple that I keep watching from behind my shades. She has the figure of Elle MacPherason and he´s decidedly lardy and we all join him pretending not to notice when she stretches and poses for a crowd of Geordie lads as she adjusts her bikini bottoms. Poor devil - we all really feel for him, and she thinks she´s being SO discreet. Why are we so wicked to each other!!

There´s another couple at the poolside that keep disappearing seperately, but both return about an hour later with smug smiles on their faces. It´s obvious what they´re up to and I´m intensely jealous! It´s made worse by the fact that my brazilian bikini wax is beginning to grow back and I´m fidgeting on my sun lounger, desperate not to scratch it. Honestly, I´m so frustrated that I think one touch of myself and I´ll be howling and going all Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally! Not a good look beside the pool eh?

As I lay with the sunshine making the insides of my eyelids orange and I feel my skin tingling with the heat my mind wanders and it frightens me. I really want to be single, but really want someone to share my life with too. It´d be lovely to share this all with somebody special and to have somebody to look out for me. I´m tired of fighting through as Miss Independent and it seems like I´m in a long haul marathon - there are the speedy bursts when I´m focussed and determined, which are punctuated with the down times - when I´m tired and worn out, desperate for someone to pick me up and run with me...

I wish I could feel hatred for Adrian, but I can´t. I don´t. It was a short lived ´relationship´(if you can even call it that), but it held so much chemistry and possibility and it´s gone in a flash. I´m disappointed, betrayed, but can´t quite muster the hatred thing. I liked him too much for that maybe?

All I can do now is continue to rub in the Factor 15 and look bloody ace for the Geezer photoshoot. The more I think about it the more I feel sick at the notion that Trevor Malone was obviously on a mission, but Adrian was in on it too! It´s too much to bear. This singles nightmare would be so much easier if there was at least one guy to take my mind off it all, even if for a few days, there are a couple who keep giving me cheeky grins, but I think I´m putting out an invisible radar which screams LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

(or should that be Leave Malone?) - there´s insight for you!!

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