Chapter Fifty Eight - Agendas & Suspenders

Rob was feeling shit and angry. He hated to admit it, but he’d been naive in thinking that Sophie was genuine. If she’d been THAT genuine then why was she trying to stay single? She looked great and had a sparkling personality and had really wormed her way under his skin over the last few months. He wasn’t short of female admirers - he was a fit, good looking guy and saw lots of women that he liked the look of, a few that he’d meet in the pub that he’d chat with and would instigate an interest, but not enough to get involved with. The truth was, Rob hadn’t had a relationship for a couple of years. He’d been so busy building up his business and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to commit 100% because of that. He’d had his share of unfulfilling one-night stands and had always liked Sophie. In a way he could now see why she’d opted out of the dating game – he’d forgotten how painful it all was, how insecure it made him feel and how you could rush from high to severely low in a matter of seconds. It bothered him intensely that he’d begun to lose himself in Sophie’s kiss beneath that umbrella and how he’d been on the verge of telling her that he’d made the grand gesture of booking the log cabin. He’d worried that it might freak her out - that she’d think it was too much too quickly, but then he’d figured that they’d been good friends for a while now and that they’d manage it.
And then he sees her kissing Adrian Ford.
Getting angry once again he pondered over all the grey areas that he couldn't define - like how long she’d been seeing him?
Had it been since they’d first met?
And what about Tam and their friendship?
There was so much he wanted to say to her - to ask her and to tell too, but his stubbornness insisted on standing in his way with it’s arms folded.
Bah humbug - so much for the warmth of Christmas.
He dreaded the thoughts of yet another Christmas Eve out with the lads and getting drunk again.
He was SO ready for ‘something more’, if only she had been honest, and ready, for him....

*

Rob and Ade were at extremes. Whilst Rob felt alone and desperate, Ade was excited and on a high as he prepared for his ‘date’ with Sophie. It had been his idea to go to the outdoor ice rink at Kew Gardens - it was the perfect Christmas venue and it was impossible not to have some laughs. Without being witty, it was the ideal scenario for breaking the ice as it involved lots of touching and laughing as he imagined them wobbling about under the twinkling fairy lights. He used to be good at ice skating and had spent hours at the rink at Streatham in his teenage years, even being asked to join the under 16’s ice hockey team. He was confident that he had every capability of having lots of fun with Sophie and make her realise that they SHOULD be together. He’d been wishing that the rain would stay away as he wanted just one last chance to make her see how much he liked her. Determined to be fun and extremely hands-on, without being creepy, he’d prepared it all right down to the last detail. OK, those ’extras’ had cost him a small fortune, but he was certain that it would be worth it. He wanted this chance to put right all the wrongs – the Trev Malone wind up, the Geezer involvement in Sophie’s Staying Single quest, the many ways that he’d seemed flippant about the way he’d treated her. The first Sophie Dilemma date was his chance, possibly his last chance, to make a public display of how serious he was about a relationship with Sophie and he intended to pull out all of the stops.

*

Tam was pulling out all of the stops as she got stuck into the back of her wardrobe. She began to fear that if she delved any deeper she’d come across a giant lion and a half-man/half-goaty type thing, but it didn’t stop her. She was beginning to sort out some clothes for her long weekend in the log cabin and was chucking clothes onto her bed at a ferocious rate. Her frenzied excitement was escalating alarmingly, despite the slight niggle at not really knowing what clothes to pack. Would it be cold in Scotland? Would the log cabin be cold/double glazed/centrally heated? Looking back at the jumble of fabrics and colours made her realise how dowdy and scruffy she’d been lately. A pang of disgust punched her in the stomach as the true horror hit her. She’d let herself go, big time. No wonder Adrian had called it off with her. He’d have been a fool to stick around.
In the same way that Pete would have.
Been a fool.
She was stunned at the hoards of colourful and gorgeous clothes that she had here - clothes that she used to delight in wearing before she’d stolen Pete from his wife. Suddenly it all fell into place. She’d been flattered by Pete’s attention - it was strangely intensified by the knowledge that he was married - somehow made it MORE flattering that he liked her, despite having a wife at home. She couldn’t figure it out now, but it had struck a chord with her at the time. And so she’d gone from the wearing sexy, sassy clothes that had attracted him to her in the first place, to slipping into domestic doldrums of tracksuits and t-shirts.
There was time for this procrastination and that’s what she supposed Rob had been thinking, when he handed her the booking info for the Burnbank lodge. She needed to remember WHO she used to be. Sophie was a fantastic friend and knew her so well. She’d got it right when she’d said that to be happy with somebody you have to be happy with yourself first. Tamsin could see how she’d spent years going from man to man as if they were all the same person. Scooping up the mountain of clothes she dropped them clumsily into the tub chair in her bedroom. She was going to keep everything as simple as possible from now on. Pulling her favourite jeans from her wardrobe door she packed some of the chunky knitted jackets and her Timberland boots into her small holdall. She needed to spend some quality time with HERSELF and hoped that she’d have plenty of chances to enjoy walking through the Scottish forestry and beside the lake and remember WHO she was, and what she wanted to be. Rob had truly pulled an ace out of the hat with this one. It was the best Christmas present that she’d ever received.
Although she was more than a little curious as to why Rob had initially booked it for two people.
Perhaps he’d hoped to go with her and now couldn’t.
But she suspected that there was more to it than that.
But Rob? Have a girlfriend? He surely would have said something to her.
Then again, Tam realised, she’d been pretty much myopic lately when it came to her friends and family. And so 3 weeks before New Years Day Tamsin made her first new years resolution.
It was time to fall in love again.
But this time with herself.

*

In Los Angeles Sophie’s Mum was also preparing. Thrilled to be getting married in Orange County she’d just spent 10 minutes on the phone instructing the wedding planner to scrap the tasteful white and gold balloons and replace them with orange ones! Bobbie Jo had made her think of the ‘orange’ theme at her bachelorette party last week and she’d already asked for orange icing on the wedding cake and orange lights around the marquee. Snatching the phone up from the garden table she punched in Sophie’s number, secretly hoping that Jennifer would answer.
Sophie was a darling, but she was SO dry. Jennifer really was a girl after her own heart - knew how to party and how to really let her hair down.

*

Ben Scott loved Facebook. It was everything that MySpace was and more. The networking opportunites! The combing through media contacts ‘friends’ lists!
He was in heaven.
Apart from the stretched elastic strip that was beginning to cut into his bum cheek.


Chapter Fifty Seven
Chapter Fifty Nine

Chapter Fifty Seven - Seasons Bleetings!

Relationship Rehab – Mingle as a Single at XMAS....

Let me get one thing straight.
The stigma of being a singleton at Christmas is potentially bigger than being an ex-Big Brother contestant and trying to launch your own lingerie/perfume/autobiography. The ‘It’ll Be Lonely This Christmas’ ethos is potentially damaging to the ego and can be like watching a party that you’re not invited to, through a smoky window. It’s a bizarre race to be ‘ready’ for Christmas and if YOU isn’t TWO then it’s set to be a little lonely. Now don’t mistake me for a cynic - I’m not! I can get into the swing of it all along with the rest of the population - strangling their credit cards and depleting the notion of financial freedom for the next 10 months, all in the name of ‘goodwill‘. Forget the 80% of the world that are starving, if we don’t have a gold platter of mixed nuts that would make the fattest squirrel jealous, then we’re just NOT in the game! Everywhere you look there are schmaltzy tunes, pissed, puking office party-goers or chocolate box families.
But the bright side as a singleton? The absence of in-laws, no money arguments, the freedom to go Christmas shopping when YOU want and the budget to treat yourself to a pressie. If I’ve learned one thing over these last 9 months it’s that being SINGLE doesn’t mean being ALONE. And I won’t be. Despite turning a seasonal shade of green when my friend told me that she’d been treated to a long weekend in a romantic log cabin in Scotland, it got me thinking how I’d really LOVE to do that. Especially at Christmas. But we never get that snowy scene do we? More like grey skies and deep puddles. So this year I’m decamping to Los Angeles for a truly American-style Christmas. My mother is getting married on Christmas Eve and I’ve heard that LA in December is in the seventies - so roll on sunny skies!

So this will be the last Relationship Rehab until the new year, but before all that frivolity I have 4 dates, 4 guys and 4 dilemmas to face. With mere days until Date 1, I‘m a little nervous. I know it‘s at Kew Gardens Ice Skating Rink, followed by hot chocolate. I don‘t know yet what the other 3 dates will be - but I do know that I‘m going to need your help in deciding what to do! So watch this space - all will be revealed in the next couple of days. And in the meantime keep an eye at www.sophiedilemma.com - it'll all change when you're least expecting it

So for now, I‘ll sign off and let you help me with my dilemmas - and while I can‘t guarantee that you‘ll have snow at Christmas or that I‘ll have scorching sunshine, I CAN guarantee one thing...
I certainly won‘t be breaking a leg to catch that bridal bouquet!

Sophie.xx


Chapter Fifty Six
Chapter Fifty Eight

Chapter Fifty Six - The Ice Breaker?

I’ve just trudged home in the rain after a long, thin day. I feel like an overstretched elastic band, tight and ready to snap as I sidestepped the deluge of warped office parties - the women giggling in their ‘party’ office gear - which comprises usual office clothing but in velvet rather than cotton, accessorised with flashing xmas bauble earrings and felt antlers. They look ridiculous - but at least they’re laughing. Which is more than I’m doing. I feel so low that any sound of frivolity is bristling off of me like shards of glass. So imagine how hacked off I am to walk in through my front door and HEAR Jennifer before I see her. She’s on the phone, squeaking and squealing in hysterics.
“Oh Mam, I just CAN’T feckin’ wait. I’ve bought the most drop-dead-gorgeous dress too.”
I kick off my wet shoes and leave them upturned and discarded on the mat as I listen to the pause. It doesn’t last long,
“Noooo! I’ve no intention of upstaging the bride! Mam, as if I’d do that to you! Honestly!”
I close my eyes and blow my breath out as I stand there in the dark. She doesn’t know I’m home and I really wish I could ring Rob and ask if I can go over there. Only I can’t. Because he hates me. If Mum could SEE the slashed-to-the-navel and ripped-to-the-thigh red dress that Jennifer cajoled out of her rogue boyfriend, then she’d shirk at the notion of being upstaged. The fact is that Jennifer is hoping to have ALL the attention. End of.
“Oh Mam, wait till Sophie hears! You’re joking! They got married in Pasadena? Oh My God! And what about your plans for saying your vows on the beach in Malibu? Out the window still?”
I push open the door and want to giggle at the flat slapping sounds that my damp feet make on the wooden floor. I sense Jen frowning at me. It makes me smile a little as I go into the kitchen and pull open the fridge door. You know, she’s home here all afternoon and it’d be nice, just once, to walk in and find that she’d sorted some food. As I root around in the fridge the acrid smell of lemon pinches at my nostrils and it makes me think of when I first met Ade and he bought me the lemon muffin from Starbucks. He’d really intrigued me and I’d fallen for him in a far bigger way than I even admitted to myself. Which made the fall twice as far and doubly painful too. It’s funny, because I saw him at lunchtime, chatting to Ellie on reception and it was as if I truly saw him for the first time without the rose-coloured glasses. He just looked like a good looking city boy who flirts with everyone. It felt good, being able to smile and say ‘hi’ to both of them as I walked past and I was secretly pleased that there were no pangs of lust or loss. It made the day easier, knowing that he’s going to be my first Sophie Dilemma. It won’t be so painful now, knowing that I have no feelings for him. Looking at is positively it might make the first one easier too - that he’s not a complete stranger and there’s no worry that I’m not going to know what to say to him. Delaney told me today that there’s going to be 4 guys on 4 dates and there’ll be the last 2 weeks of work before we split for Christmas. She’s told me that the first date is confirmed to be with Ade, a humorous seasonal coupling in collaboration with Geezer magazine, and it’s going to be a night ice-skating on one of the open air Christmas rinks, followed by hot chocolate and muffins in the 24-hour cafe in the park. Sounds like it could be fun. IF it was with somebody other than Ade. Somebody like Rob, for example. Then there’ll be another date later that week, with another 2 in the following week - the last one is going to be the day before Jen and I fly out to L.A. Which makes me sad. Especially when I think about how I’d jumped the gun and dreamed about Rob coming out there with me. Maybe it’ll do me good to get away for a while. I can recharge my emotional batteries and bolster myself to get through the next 12 weeks wearing the crown of Staying Single.
Jen is still on the phone and I can’t bear being dragged into the conversation so I open a tub of cottage cheese and pineapple and fork out huge mounds, as I hold a pen in my other hand and begin to write my Christmas edition of Relationship Rehab.

Chapter Fifty Five
Chapter Fifty Seven

Chapter Fifty Five - The Yule Log (cabin)

The paperwork sat on Tamsin’s floor, neatly piled on her rag rug. She kept picking up the printed pages and reading them through, but not really taking in what they said. The log cabin looked adorable. Hugely romantic.
They were for couples, which freaked her out a little, considering she’d be going alone. It was puzzling her though. Rob had been great about the break up with Ade and had been totally supportive to her. He hadn’t hesitated to give her the info for the Scottish lodge and hadn’t asked any questions about what had happened between Ade and her. Which was good - because she didn’t actually know herself! Ade had been really nice about the way he’d told her that it was over. He’d explained that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that it had all got a little too cosy too quickly - but she still wasn’t entirely sure why he’d wanted to call it a day. Rob had made sense about it all and, once again, he’d been right when he’d pointed out how Tamsin had slipped straight from the messy relationship with Pete into a new one with Ade. And he was right too, when he’d said that she needed some time alone, some time to get to know herself, before she committed to anything else. As she sat cross-legged on her sofa, sipping a glass of red wine, she stared at the paperwork on the floor. Why had Rob booked the log cabin? And why had he booked it for the week BEFORE Christmas? And WHO had he booked it for? Himself plus one? Or for another couple? It didn’t make sense. She was going to go next weekend anyway. She’d been a little concerned about driving the 9 hours to Scotland, but Rob had already sorted her a cheap flight, so she had no excuse. She was looking forward to having some complete time out from her life. Time to chill and enjoy the peaceful surroundings. Rob had been right - she wanted to start the New Year with a revived and refreshed outlook. It was pointless being a serial dater - the next year was going to be all about Tam. Maybe Sophie had it right - choosing to remain single was going to be Tamsin’s aim from now on - no more unsuitable or unreliable men. It was all going to be about Tam from here on in.
*
This is the fourteenth time I’ve called Rob today and he’s not answering my calls. I swing from feeling desperate for the chance to explain myself, to being really fucking angry at him for being so gullible and jumping to conclusions about me! How DARE he think that I’m that flaky that I’d arrange to meet Ade behind Tamsin’s back! Or that I’d be less than honest with him, OR HER, about it too! In a way I can’t help but figure that if he thinks I’m that kind of spineless person, then what’s he interested in me for anyway? Doesn’t that say more about HIM than it does about ME? And then I lose the firecracker in me and feel terrible. All of those shit men, those terrible dates, those losers that dumped me WAY before I’d started my quest to stay single? They were nothing compared to how I feel now. This is different. Because I really like Rob. I mean, really, REALLY like him which makes it so much worse. And also because he’s angry with me for something that is a huge mistake! If only he’d give me the chance to explain! He’s obviously really angry at me - which is kind of good, because that means he really likes me, doesn’t it? Then it isn’t good too. Because if he likes me that much (like I do him) then wouldn’t it make sense for him to listen to what I have to say? MEN! Grrr - they’re SO damned stubborn!! The first guy I’ve kissed in years that I truly like on so many levels. His kiss made me melt right down to the middle of my body. That hasn’t happened for a long, long time. And now he won’t talk to me... So much for asking him to come to Mum’s wedding with me! What a joke THAT idea was! Didn’t even last 24 hours. And I have a week until my first ‘official’ Sophie Dilemma. And here I am, with a real one!
*
“Regan!” Delaney is calling for me first thing on Monday morning. It’s been a shit weekend and Rob is still refusing my calls. It’s outrageous and now I’m really annoyed at him. He’s acting like a stubborn school boy by not listening to my side of the story. I spoke to Tamsin about it and asked her if she’d seen Rob. She was FULL of news! Apparently Ade went around to see her over the weekend and broke it off with her. For no real reason. I knew he was planning to do that - he’d told me when we’d had our drink together. And I’d been right too - her laziness and overly-cosiness was freaking him out. So she’s been feeling awful too - poor love. After the break up with Pete too, it’s all too much in a short time span. But then she told me how Rob gave her a booking for a long weekend at a beautiful log cabin in Scotland. It sounds completely gorgeous - a cabin for two in a remote woodland in Scotland somewhere. She’s really puzzled about it all though. She said that the date on the booking was last week and that Rob wouldn’t say where he’d got it from or who he’d booked it for. Which leads me to think one of two things - he’d either booked it FOR Tam as a present for her and Ade, or he’d booked it for himself and somebody else. Could that somebody have been me? Or is he seeing somebody else too? Has he been seeing somebody else for the whole time we’ve been friends, but I’ve been so caught up with my own sorry state of affairs that I’ve never given him the chance to talk to me about it. Or was it for him and Jen all along? It just doesn’t bear thinking about... “REGAN!” Delaney’s loud voice breaks my trance and I grab my papers and rush to her office. “OK,” I huff and puff, “here.” “Good weekend?” she barks. “No, but let’s not talk about it.” “Oh,” she looks at me a little concerned but says nothing. Thank god. Because I really don’t want to talk about it. I keep thinking about how tormented I‘d been when Danny-the-chav had said how the word monogamous was so like monotonous and I’ve realised how wrong he was. It all depends on who you’re with and if it’s monotonous then you’re either doing it wrong or you’re doing it with the wrong person. Perhaps Jennifer WAS right when she’d said that publicising my ‘inadequacy’ wouldn’t help me to find a decent man. Of course she’d been right, because ultimately when I had the chance with Rob - I blew it. I’m useless. And now I have to put a smile on my face when Delaney shows me the cover for the Woman To Woman Christmas edition.


















And then she shows me the one for the Geezer edition too.





















And I see the bit about Ade Gets Sleigh'd and it reminds me what he's really like. It's worrying me that Ade is my first Sophie Dilemma... I’d eat Delaney’s toenail cuttings out of a dog’s bowl rather than do these 4 dates for Sophie Dilemma. Delaney interrupts, “OK Sophie, we’re loading the SophieDilemma site this week. Going to show you a preview later today.”
Yip!
How to pretend I’m excited?

Chapter Fifty Four
Chapter Fifty Six

Pulling Power #21

One guy's story.

Why can't this happen to me?

I'm so busy thinking how 'it' always happens when you're not expecting it --- that I'm ALWAYS half expecting it!!



Keep 'em coming!

Pulling Power loves your 'lines'!

xx

Chapter Fifty Four - I'll Have A Blue Christmas Without You

Rob had the radio turned up full blast, but wasn’t really listening to the deluge of Christmas tunes that were ricocheting around the walls of his garage. His hands were black with grease and he stood beneath a car with the spotlight, focussing on the underside, spanner in his hand. He wasn’t concentrating. He couldn’t. He was annoyed at himself for trusting Sophie so quickly. He’d gone from worrying that he was dragging his feet with her - which had led him to book the log cabin in Inverness-shire as a romantic surprise for the two of them. And now, he felt that he’d rushed in too quickly. If only he’d waited a few more months until the year was up, then he could have stood back and watched how things panned out for her, and what decisions she’d make. But as things stood he’d forked out over £300 for a long weekend for 2, somewhere that was a nine hour drive away! And then there was how to tell Tamsin too! Or SHOULD he tell her? How could he break the news that her best friend was seeing her boyfriend behind her back? Talk about a double betrayal! His mobile vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out, knowing it was Tamsin again. She’d already rung him a few times this morning, but he didn’t have the words for her. She’d probably be all bright and breezy and he was going to find it hard to sound chipper. He frowned and looked down at her name, flashing in lights in his hand and decided to answer it. He pressed the button with the green phone on it,
“Hey, babe. How ya doing today?”
He was shocked to hear her crying.
“I’m not. Doing. Today. I HATE today.”
“Tam? What is it? You at work?”
“No! I didn’t go in. I couldn’t. Not after last night.”
His stomach churned as he climbed out from beneath the car, clambering up the steps leading from the pit.
“What?” his voice was measured and amazingly calm, “What happened last night?”
He heard his sister sniff as her voice cracked,
“Ade. He dumped me.”
“Jesus! He what? Did he say why?”
“No!” she shouted at him, “He didn’t say why at all! He just called around about an hour later than we’d planned, soaking wet smelling of beer and said that we needed to call it a day. I mean Rob, what kind of an excuse is that?”
Rob was furious. This news reinforced what he’d suspected - that Sophie and Ade were back together and were shuffling about, trying to keep it all a sordid secret. He’d been foolish enough to think that Sophie couldn’t be that callous, but he’d clearly been wrong. It severely jarred his ability to character-judge people now. He’d thought that he knew Sophie really well and look what happened! Talk about getting burned!
“Tam,” he tried to remain calm, for her sake, “listen, Ade was never right for you. He’s a playboy and you deserve better. I know you don’t wanna hear this right now, but he’s not worth it. Listen babe, I’ve got something for you. I’ll call over after work and see you. Did you get any sleep last night?”
“No,” she sniffed, “hardly any. It’s just too much, so soon after Pete.”
“I know. That’s why people try to avoid rebound dating. It’s all too painful too quick. Try and get some sleep this afternoon. I’ll be round after 6.”
“OK, thanks Rob. You’re the best.”
“No prob sis. Get some rest.”

He sat down on his rickety ex-office chair and stared at his open diary. He’d written
tell Sophie about log cabin
in red pen and had circled it. The writing had an air of flamboyance and promise to it, with it’s rounded shapes and swirls. He’d been so excited at finding the romantic 2-berth log cabin in Scotland and he’d booked it immediately. He’d been even more excited at telling Sophie about how he’d planned to take her away for a few days. It all had seemed so much more precious, after their kiss last night. But how short-lived THAT high had been!
And then he knew what to do. He would give Tamsin the short break in Scotland and suggest that she spends a long weekend alone. It would do her good to go and relax and to think about what SHE wants out of life, rather than seamlessly dating the wrong men. There was the added bonus that she’d mention to Sophie how he’d given her the opportunity for the log cabin break and that might get her thinking too... He wasn’t going to reveal what he’d seen last night. It wasn’t fair on Tamsin - but he had every intention of telling Sophie how disgusted he was in her.

*

I check my calendar in Outlook as I begin to check my emails. Loads from Delaney and a few from Ross and Darren too. Yuk. Hmmm, 7th December today and only 17 days to go until the dreaded wedding.Yet, this morning everything seems lighter - as if a huge burden of doubt has been lifted. I know that it’s all down to the kiss with Rob. He’s gorgeous and I never dreamed that we’d be a couple. Well, OK, I had DREAMED about it, but didn’t actually think that we’d get it together. I’d been convinced that he was hanging around to get closer to Jennifer and I was blown away last night when he kissed me. It was electric and my skin was tingling all over simply through the lip contact. To be honest I felt absolutely nothing when Ade stepped out in front of me, and I was still buzzing about Rob an hour later - when I sat in the pub with Ade. I’d nursed a WKD and listened to his flimsy story about Trevor Malone and the ego of the men working at Geezer. He’d said many things about thinking I was great, and funny and smart; sassy and sexy and honest and gorgeous. Things that might have got me naked within seconds, only a few months ago. But now I have Rob, the Ade bubble has burst and he’s just a good-looking but shallow guy. Simple as that. I have no interest in him. I was secretly chuffed that I got it right about his feelings for Tamsin. He was bored of the cosy domestic routine and felt a little cheated that she only wanted to slob about in her joggers, her most energetic moves being when she swings her legs up onto his lap as they settle down for yet another episode of Friends or Will & Grace. He was going to call it off with her before Christmas, he said. And I think it’s tough, but only fair. At least if Tam’s single for Christmas it might force her out to join in the relentless office parties and Christmas socialising. I obviously won’t be around to join her, as I’ll be shuffling awkwardly in the 70degree heat as I watch my mother get married in Los Angeles. I’m dreading that too. I have to go and get a dress this weekend and it makes sense for me to splash out a little more too, in lieu of the Sophie Dilemma nights. I wish I felt excited about being filmed on these 4 dates, but I don’t. Now I have Rob I’m not interested in spending social time with any other men. So I should be glad really that there’s only 4 sessions. Darren and Ross have booked the slots on Tuesday 11th, Thursday 13th, Tuesday 18th and then Thursday 20th December. They’ve chosen 2 midweek dates based on the New York ethos of dating which dictates that you NEVER go on a new(ish) date on any of the weekend nights for fear that you give off a vibe that you don’t have any friends. So it’s midweek dating for me. And Delaney emailed me yesterday afternoon to say that Richard & Judy want me on one of their Christmas shows - probably the Thursday 20th one - which is the afternoon just prior to the last Sophie Dilemma piece. And then I’m jetting off to Los Angeles the following day. Myself and Jen are booked on a flight on Friday 21st, giving ourselves a couple of days to recover and prepare for Mum’s Christmas Eve wedding. I don’t know which is worse -the thoughts of Mum’s false and pseudo-Americanisms for a fortnight, or the false and relentless Christmas party scene in London - all those hoards of drunk men in suits make me feel nauseous.

Just as I’m inwardly cringing at the beginnings of excitement at a different kind of Christmas this year, I begin to wonder whether it’s too late to ask Rob to come to Mum’s wedding with me. It would be the icing on the cake for me - I wouldn’t be stuck in Jennifer’s shadow for the duration and it would give me and Rob some fantastic time together too. My telephone rings and makes me jump. I grab it and say,
“Sophie Regan!”
“Sophie?” Ellie’s voice is always bright and warm, “call for you.”
“Do you know who it is?”
“Says his name is Rob.”
“Great!” My voice is overly exultant and I sense that Ellie is a little surprised at my lack of composure, but I don’t care. I’m a little stunned then to hear his deadpan, flat tones,
“Sophie. Rob. Forget last night. Forget everything. The friendship, the kiss, everything I said. Actually, you might as well forget about Tamsin too. You’re not the woman I thought you were. In fact, you’re lower than low. All what you said about Jennifer? She’s streets ahead of you. I can’t believe you, Soph. Just forget it all.”

The line goes dead.
And so does my heartbeat.
My stomach is filled with rocks.
My eyes sting as they begin to fill, involuntarily, with tears.
My god.
He must have seen me walk away with Ade.
And he obviously thinks that I’m deceitful and wicked enough to have planned it all.....

Another fuck up.
And a big one this time.

Chapter Fifty Three
Chapter Fifty Five

Chapter Fifty Three - The Grinch! Is My Heart 2 Sizes Too Small?

If my hair is falling out due to stress, then give me a week and I’ll be completely bald! Why can’t I ever see when I’ve got something good, something worth hanging on to? Why am I so damned greedy? I’ve been dumped by Rob after, ooohh, what, about 24 hours after we kissed in the rain? Now that’s gotta be a world record! I feel empty and shit...

I’d just left him and was getting near to Tamsin’s house and was really lost on the high of that kiss. His touch unlocked all the feelings that I’ve been restraining so admirably and I virtually floated down the street. My stomach was flipping and it took every inch of reserve to stop me launching into ‘Singing In The Rain’ and Gene Kelly’ing my way through the puddles. I’d decided that it was all so much easier now - I could tell Tam about how she’s being so boring with Ade. Now that I KNEW that I wasn’t interested in him, it all made sense. The final pieces of the jigsaw had jostled into place and the resulting picture was superb. I was bursting to tell her all about me and Rob and I was sure she’d be delighted. She’d better have been, I’d thought, especially after how ‘good’ I’d been about her asking Ade out. I’d planned on being an ace best-friend and telling her in a diplomatic and kind way about her scruffiness. And then when I’d helped her see how she was letting herself go we could open another bottle of wine and have a cosy girlie chat about Rob and then about Mum’s wedding. And then talk about me and Rob again. And again. We had loads to catch up on!
Then somebody stepped out in front of me and stood under my brolly with me, completely shocking me out of my rose-coloured-glasses mode. It was Adrian!
It all went wonky after that...

*

I felt sick and shocked to see Ade standing in front of me. He smiled and I melted.
See?
Easy as that?
Pathetic aren‘t I?
“Hey, you going to see Tamsin?” he grinned.
“No,” I pulled a wide-eyed sarcastic look, “I just LOVE walking the streets, aimlessly, in the rain. Oh, yes, look? I‘m in Tam‘s street! What a coincidence. Oh, I might as well then!”
“Hey,” he touched my arm, “don‘t be like that. Sophie,” his voice softened, “I really need to talk to you.”
“Ade. There really is nothing to say. The flowers and messages and stuff that you sent as apologies were lovely, but you made me feel like shit. And you knew what you were doing - it was no accident. There‘s nothing to say.”
“But there IS. Please. Look, just come for one drink with me and let me talk. Please! ONE drink only. At least give me that chance to explain face to face.”
“I don‘t think so.”
“Please. Anyway,” a cheeky twinkle sparkled in his eyes as he said, “I AM going to be your first Sophie Dilemma date - so it‘d surely be best to get all of our personal, messy stuff out of the way before that, eh?”
And I realised that the dilemma situation was looming and that he actually had a point. So I agreed.
“OK, I give in. Just one drink though.”
He crossed his chest with his fingers, “Scouts honour.”
And with that we walked on, past Tamsin‘s house and to the end of the street and around the corner where the grotty pub was. I knew it was wrong, that I shouldn’t even consider giving him my time - especially when he is Tamsin’s boyfriend - but I walked on anyway. It was weird going straight past Tam’s, seeing her lights on and thinking that I would have been in there by now, taking off my wet coat and leaving my brolly in her hallway. It felt bad - as if we were betraying her, but I had to hear what Ade wanted to say. It was true that there was unfinished business between us and I wanted to lay it to rest. And I am so insanely nervous about the Sophie Dilemma campaign that any chance to talk it through is more than welcome...
If only I knew what the implications of that, rather boring, and quick drink were going to have.

*

Rob was gutted. He’d stood to watch Sophie walk toward Tamsin’s and while he waited he’d decided it was a perfect time to text her about the log cabin. He pulled out his mobile and wrote,

I NEED 2 TLK TO U - SUMTHING I GOTTA TELL U.
HOPE U WON’T MIND. TELL U 2MORO. XX

He’d waited to see her approach the front door and ring the bell. Only she hadn’t. She walked on until she ‘accidentally on purpose’ bumped into Ade and they’d stood for a few minutes, having a cosy chat under her umbrella, before laughing and scurrying off together. Talk about a double whammy! Ade was cheating on Tam, Sophie was cheating on Tam AND telling him lies too! He was disappointed and hurt. He’d sat and endured bloody Jennifer, who loved nothing more than a good old whinge-up, for too many evenings in the hope of finding the right moment to ask Sophie to go to the log cabin with him. Now he felt foolish and pathetically romantic. He’d read the signs wrong again and it had cost him - both in his pocket and emotionally. Sophie obviously still had a ‘thing’ for Adrian, despite the crap way that he’d treated her. Maybe she was one of those women who liked men who weren’t very nice to them. But he hadn’t had her labelled as one of them. What a let down. And the log cabin? He might as well give it to somebody else for a nice mini break before Christmas...

*

How can one person totally misread an entire whole scenario? After that quick drink with Ade I realised that he really wasn’t worth worrying about - simply a guy with lots going for him - except a sliver of integrity. So no loss there then. I’d gone on to spend a few hours with Tamsin and had managed to talk to her about where she thought her and Ade were heading. We had a few laughs and she even began to say how she missed our girlie nights out and was a little bored with the whole stay-at-home-with-the-boyfriend routine. So I’d pulled out my mobile to call a cab at about 11.30pm only to find a message from Rob. It said something about wanting to tell me something and hoping that I didn’t mind. And my worse fears hit me in the stomach. I’d felt sick as I’d been certain he was going to tell me that he really likes Jennifer. I suppose in a way I was expecting it, after all the time they’ve spent together. It seems like Ade was only getting close to me to get to Tam, so why so unbelievable that Rob might be getting close to me for access to Jen? I was certain that I’m always destined to lose the guy I like to somebody close to me. I’m virtually a fucking donor!

And then I woke up this morning to a voice message from Rob. His voice sounded cold and edgy - nothing like the warmth that I expected from him and I feel ashamed at my indecision. I should never have gone for that drink with Ade - it wasn’t fair on Tam, or Rob, or ME! Once a loser always a loser, yeah? And he is a loser! If I began to stay single because of feeling crap after dating disastrous men, then being single when you’ve met someone that you REALLY like is even worse. I never got to hear what the ‘thing’ was that he had to tell me, because he was too busy spitting blood about how he’d stood and watched me walk off into the rain with Adrian. Damn! He’d seen us! And he thinks we’d planned it all. And so he wants nothing more to do with me. He called me some terrible names - a pompous cow being one of them - that really hurt. How could he really have liked me that much if he thought I was a pompous cow! And I SO am not that. I know that I’m not. To have had him so close and to have fucked it all up at the last minute is almost laughable. If only it was remotely funny.
Which it isn’t....

It’s always horrible being dumped. That surge of shitness that’s been kept at bay - held back by the invisible force field of the ‘highs’ of a new relationship, knocks you right over. Once the highs are shattered, once the magic has been broken the floodgates open and all that shit rushes right in. And it does knock you right over - even if the dumper was somebody that you had doubts about anyway! It makes you feel like crap, like you’re not a ‘proper’ or worthy person, like there’s something wrong with you. How many times have I asked myself whether I have ‘issues’ or whether I’m ‘good enough’? I’m so angry at myself too. The whole idea behind choosing to stay single was to avoid this emotional rollercoaster, so why the hell am I right back on it again? I’ve done far too many post mortems on dead relationships but I can’t figure this one with Rob. I was stupid, MORE than stupid to go for that drink with Ade. And I can’t talk to Tam about it because it means I have to reveal how I sneaked out with him behind her back. I can’t even ask Tam to have a chat with Rob on my behalf, for exactly the same reason! It’s a mess. And I have nobody to talk to! The whole deceit of that 45 minute chat in a seedy pub was supposed to break me free from Ade and all it has done is isolated me in a lonely loop all on my own. As I sit on the Tube train to work my eyes keep welling up as I want to talk to Rob. He’s my new best friend and now I know how I feel about him, it’s even worse. He’s helped me out so much over the last few months and now, when I really need to talk to him, I can’t. I’m ‘not allowed’ to. Because I’ve upset him and made him feel used and stupid.
So much for Christmas cheer? I feel yuk. I had him so close and now he’s so far away from me.
I’m like the bloody Grinch - maybe my heart is 2 sizes too small too???

Chapter Fifty Two
Chapter Fifty Four