Friday, May 04, 2007

Chapter Twelve

Friday mornings were always the same and Tamsin hated them. She was now tuned in to Pete’s extraordinarily early Friday starts, but hated prodding him, sick of being governed by the clock as it smirked it’s 05:20 at her. The birds chirped outside her window as she listened to the whoosh of traffic pass by. She imagined it was the sea washing onto the beach and she closed her eyes, snuggling into Pete’s hairy chest and convinced herself that they were in an exotic apartment beside a tropical beach. The luxury of a ‘clock-less’ room and no demands on his time would be her idea of heaven. Nestling in closer to him, she wrapped her leg up over his hip, pulling herself in tighter. His soft chest hair tickled her nipples and she contemplated turning off the alarm clock. She’d read a blog entry that Sophie had recommended from DirtyFilthyPrincess in which the ‘Princess’ blogged about a magical moment of loving with her husband. It was passionate and lustful, downright dirty and playful and Sophie said that it restored her faith in the concept of marriage. Tam had looked at it, wishing that she and Pete could spend more time together. She worked ridiculously long hours at the hospital and coupled with his excessive work load, they had to grab time together whenever possible. But it wasn’t easy. Her feelings for him had begun to overwhelm her lately, bringing bouts of sadness as well as intense love. She questioned what sort of woman she was– that she could feel such overpowering emotions for a guy that she shouldn’t be loving in the first place.

*

It’s a scorcher today and I’m in Delaney’s good books once again. She loved yesterday’s column, even agreeing to let me call it ‘Relationship Rehab’. My inbox has 42 emails from readers who have also decided to stay single, which is encouraging. One reader has posted me a link to an interview with Pamela Anderson who is also vowing to stay single for a while - – but I suspect that it will be a whole lot easier for ME to stay single than her. I’ve got that Friday Feeling, despite AJ’s noxious comments about my speed dating experience. It was strange the way that she asked whether I saw anybody that I knew. I was initially suspicious, wondering whether she knew that Adrian was there too, but then she remained true to form and sniped,

“I mean, how many saddos can you pack into one room, before you recognise somebody that you know! You’re a hideously over-populated breed.” She’s poison and I was determined not to mention what great laughs we’d had with Adrian. She just stared at me as I smiled at her, gathered my papers and went into Delaney’s office.

“Regan?” she manages a half smile as I knock and then open her door. “Come in. Sit down.”

She throws an open magazine onto her desk, twisting it so that it lands to face me. The first thing I see is the tacky grapes photograph as backdrop, and then I notice the twee curly wurly font in green which reads ‘Wine Not? Meet other classy singles and have a grape night out as we take you on a gastronomic rollercoaster through the vineyards of Europe’.

“It looks gross.” I stare at Delaney, horrified that she’d even think that I’d be interested.

“No, it’ll be fun.”

“Will not be fun.”

She laughs, throwing her head back, her shock of short auburn curls jerking out, like a baby’s arms on losing its balance.

“Anyway,” she tails off with the hilarity, “you’re going. I’ve booked you a ticket for Wednesday. It’s just off of Greek Street. 8pm start. You can write about it for next week’s piece.”

I feel the colour drain from my face. As if speed dating wasn’t enough like Butlins, I now need to go on the dating equivalent of a Faliraki pub crawl. This is not good.

“OK,” Delaney gees me up, “that’s it for now then. I need to get on with this piece about The Times.”

“Right.” I stand up, clutching my file tightly to my chest. For all my promises to focus on my inner and outer body beautiful, my determination not to give out an invisible radar of wanting to be with a guy –I’m being put into the most hellish scenarios where that is the focus of the evening. I reach for the door handle when she speaks again. I turn around to see that she’s talking but typing and staring at her computer screen. I’m not sure that she’s talking to me.

“Yeah and it really has attracted some attention too.”

I think she must have her Bluetooth in her ear and is on another call. I turn to leave again.

“Sky want to talk to you about it.”

I open her door, still stunned at being booked in for ‘Wine Not’, when she yells,

“Regan! I’m talking to you.”

“Oh, I thought….”

“I said that your Relationship Rehab column has been picked up by some of the media. Apparently Paris Hilton made a similar promise to stay single for a year and Sky want to talk to you about how it’s working for you. Obviously Paris Hilton attracts men wherever she goes, but they’re interested to see how it would work for an, well, an ‘ordinary’ woman.”

“Ordinary?”

“You know. Non celeb. So keep doing the good work. I’m going to talk to them later today. Might see if you can write a piece for them, but be prepared for them wanting to interview you. For a programme they’re developing on how we attract the opposite sex and how we break up relationships.”

I’m blushing. “Really? They want to talk to me?

“Reckon so. Anyway, you crack on with what you’re doing there. And I still want you to follow up the leads for that piece on rape sentences across Europe.”

“Right.” I’m stunned.

And excited.

“Oh, and by the way,” she adds, “they know you dated Ben Scott.”

Shit.

Sky! Want to talk to me!

I think I feel sick.

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Thirteen

Pulling Power #4

OK, now I'm running out of vid clips!!!
Please send in your recordings (by mobile phone or camcorder) to singlesophieregan@yahoo.co.uk

The best chat up line and reason for dumping your other half will receive a prize!!!



Thursday, May 03, 2007

Chapter Eleven

Fancy a cliché? How about men are like buses – you wait ages for one, and then three come along at the same time! Or how about men are like placemats - they only show up when there's food on the table. Or even, men are like government bonds - they take so long to mature. Well I have a new cliché and it’s ironic! Here it is, ‘the best bit about speed dating was talking to Adrian-from-floor-2’. I know, it’s ludicrous and loaded with irony, but I have worked in the same building as this man for weeks and learned more about him in 2 hours than in 2 months. He works for one of the financial magazines and it’s surprising what fun he is – considering he spends his days writing about stocks and shares and equities. I usually find that these guys who number crunch are mind-numbingly boring, but Adrian was funny and genuine. Speed dating was hell and I can honestly say that I’d prefer speed dying than speed dating. Never again. It was a bad omen when the evening kicked off with Frank from Leeds buying me a drink (which I’m certain was one of the complimentary glasses of wine) and said, “Hey, babe. Did you know the word of the day is ‘legs’.”

“Legs?” I frowned, checking out his tacky goatee beard as I scanned his face. I thought it might have been some special code word that only the fully initiated in speed dating knew about. It probably was – but only in Frank’s book.

“Yeah,” he chortled, “So let's go back to my place and spread the word.”

I grimaced and handed him back his freebie glass of wine. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for Adrian I would have probably thrown in the proverbial towel after half an hour, but he had Tamsin and I in raptures. I’m sitting at my desk trying to write up this week’s column and struggling to keep Adrian’s name out of it. The truth was, that I found him adorable – but that doesn’t quite tie in with my still-wet-from-the-seal promise that I’ll be single for a year. So I need to write this up from the point of view that Adrian wasn’t at speed dating. The truth is I’ve been on the phone to Tamsin at least four times every day since Saturday, just to remind her of something else that Adrian had said to me. I think I’m driving her bonkers, but I can’t help it. So…. to focus on the dreadful side of speed dating….

Relationship Rehab - week 2

Embark on speed dating with caution. Be prepared to mingle, Butlins-Holiday-Camp
style, with a crowd of men with zero personality. Forearm yourself with the reality that, if they had an iota of personality to begin with, they wouldn’t need to resort to speed dating. Prepare yourself to be treated like a Brit-abroad as you are handed your cartoon character playing card at the door and told to ‘work the room, find the other half of your card, and the first couple back here win a bottle of champagne.’ My card was Princess Fiona. Great, that meant I was looking for a fucking Shrek. Plenty of choice there, then. The ‘champagne’ was Asti Spumanti, the guys were Shrek, but hey, at least Shrek had personality. At least Shrek was funny. Unlike these dorks. In the first half hour I was subjected to the old reliable, ‘that outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning,’ and the ‘was your father a thief…’ – I won’t bore you with the details. I got chatting to the host at one point, who delighted in telling me how he ‘bagged all the tasty birds’ for himself and don’t even get me started on the ‘7 guys – 3 minutes each’ session. Would you believe how exhausting it is trying to strike up a new conversation every 3 minutes? As for the Texan guy with the beard – the moment I noticed his name badge read ‘Yosemite Sam’ I knew I was looking down the double barrel.
Sophie x

*

I made a joke of it all in my column, but the truth is, spending time with Adrian made me feel lonely. To have a laugh and a proper conversation with a guy that doesn’t revert to bawdy banter and sexual innuendo every few minutes was refreshing but stark. It made me realise that I didn’t care about losing Danny Mullins or any of those short-term boyfriends. It was the long-term ones that broke my heart. Ben was a hard man to lose, despite his desperate lacking in the communication stakes; we were definitely on the same sexual wavelength. The vagaries of that cattle market, also known as speed dating, have left me numb; made me realise that I’m tired of the brave face. There’s no doubt that break ups are ugly and sting like crazy. Mum is always urging me to be more like Jennifer in my choice of men, but I just can’t ignore the vital signs – such as integrity and honesty – because I’m dazzled by the size of their car/wallet/house/bank balance (tick any or all of these). I’m slightly depressed and disappointed that I felt pushed into choosing to stay single, but convince myself that I’m better off alone rather than putting myself through the trauma of the extreme highs and lows of continually dating the wrong men. And I don’t have the patience anymore, to consider that every guy that I meet is potentially ‘The One’.


Chapter Ten
Chapter Twelve

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

It's not right - but now I fancy Jack Black??

And I've seen this and HAD to add it. And now I kinda fancy Jack Black - is that scary or OK? Or what?

What do you guys think??

Jack Black singing Kiss from a Rose on American Idol. He's so not fanciable - but kind of really is at the same time!!!

I'd listen to his chat up lines any day.

Might even consider breaking my 'promise' to stay single for him....


And check the guy in the front row with the rose!!!! Anyone shed any light??

Chapter Ten

Tam is the first to speak, her voice a mere whisper,

“Sophie! Did you forget to put the lid on?”

I grit my teeth and stare at her, not sure which is worse – looking like a pink marshmallow in my underwear with Tam’s brother Rob looking at me, or the vomit-like spray of pink smoothie splashed like modern artwork across my white ceiling and walls. I want to cry, but feel stupid(er)!

“Listen,” Rob has an unexpected calming tone to his voice, “it looks worse than what it is.”

“You reckon?” I screech and spin on the spot, my arms flying angrily, “you mean this; all of this really is OK?”

He’s not shocked by my aggression, instead, smiles and steps towards me, “Yeah!” he shrugs, “I agree, it looks horrific, and of course, you’re traumatised, but, really, it’ll be fine.”

His face is grey and oily, along with his hands and his orange overalls – but there’s something nice behind that dirt and tangy aroma of garage forecourts. His eyes are green and kind as he says, “You go and get cleaned up. Me and Tam’ll sort this lot out.”

“We will?” she asks, wide-eyed.

“Yeah,” he smiles at us both, “we will.”

*

Adrian Ford got the news late yesterday, but Ade was a man who lived by his own philosophy of ‘bed her late than never’. It was a stinger, the £50 entrance fee, especially when Sophie Regan’s night out was being funded by Woman to Woman, but he was certain it’d be worth it; in the long run. His reputation in the Ade Gets Laid column would rocket after bagging the prudent Sophie-I’m-Staying-Single-for-a-year-Regan. He’d done a little research, a little digging, and he’d discovered that she’d been the anonymous lady that had shaken Ben Scott’s foundations for all of a couple of months. Once he’d spun that into the media notch on his bedpost, he’d get even more publicity out of his story. He’d never been speed dating – didn’t see the point of it, nor the need for it, but wanted to surprise her tonight. She wouldn’t be expecting to see him there – and wouldn’t be prepared for his armoury of chat up lines either….

*

I am shocked at how Rob has cleaned up the kitchen. It’s virtually spotless, apart from a faded pinkish stain, like a cumulus cloud in a sunset, which remains on the ceiling.

“Oh wow! This is amazing!”

He’s quickly transforming into the Diet Coke guy as he stands at my sink wringing out a sponge. His smile dazzles, his teeth extra white against his dirty face,

“No problem at all. And you look different too.”

I look down at myself, wearing my yellow summer dress and recalling how I must have looked earlier, with the old grey bra and knicker set and covered in slime. I know I’m blushing,

“Oh, yeah. God, sorry about that. How embarrassing.”

He laughs, “Not at all. I thought you looked kinda, fruity.”

He’s making fun of me and I know it. I smile awkwardly and change the subject.

“Thank you so much for doing that. Where’s Tam? Didn’t she help you?”

“Her? Work in the kitchen? You’re not serious, are you?”

“Oh yeah,” I remember how undomesticated she is, “so where’s she gone.”

“Just nipped outside to make a phone call.”

“Really? Outside?”

He shrugs and pulls a face to show that he can’t fathom his sister.

“Listen, I’ll come and paint this for you, if you like. I got the worst of it out, but it’ll need a new coat of paint.”

“Would you? That’d be great, thank you. I’m crap at painting. Always get brush strokes, you know?”

“Leave it with me. I’ll get your number from Tam and give you a ring – maybe next weekend? Depends on how I get on with this job near the station, but I’m sure I can fit it in sometime soon.”

“Great. That’d be fine. Thanks Rob.”

*

“You never told me your brother was so nice!”

“Nice!” Tamsin’s voice is shrill as we cross Leicester Square, our heels clipping on the paving slabs, “who said he was nice? God, the state of him. I don’t remember what he looks like beneath all that oil and muck.”

“I meant a nice person. He’s offered to paint my kitchen.”

“Mmmm!!” she squeals, pulling a face that my great-aunt would be proud of.

“Don’t be daft, Tam,” I scold. “Anyway, I’m being single for the year. That’s what makes it so easy to just be friends with men. There’s no agenda.”

“Yeah,” she mutters, “you keep on saying that.”

The first promising sign to the speed dating event is the long queue which has formed outside. This promise is swiftly kicked to touch by the people in aforementioned queue. It’s not looking great – a plethora of corduroy trousers, black shirts, and I just spotted a piano keyboard tie, isn’t inspiring me to join in. Tamsin finds it hilarious though, and links my arm, dragging me to the end of the snaking line.

“Jesus, Tam. Look at them!” I’m like a child who doesn’t want to go into school.

She laughs at me, “Just try it. Delaney wants you to write about it, so do it. There aren’t many careers where you can drink on the job.”
Hmm, I’m not convinced by her optimism, since my vodka cherry smoothie exploded all over me, I’ve kind of gone off the smell of alcohol. But I think I’m going to need it tonight.

“So, who were you ringing? From my place?”

Tam looks vague, “Ringing?”

“Rob said that you’d gone outside to make a call. So?”

She shakes her head and closes her eyes, “Oh, no-one. Just one of my credit card companies after money. I didn’t want to talk about it in front of Rob.”

But there’s something behind her voice that doesn’t ring true, although I can’t figure it. I’m about to probe a little more when, “Hahahaha,” a deep voice whinnies behind me and I turn to see where the horse escaped from. I’m faced with a portly middle aged man, his eyes like lychees and his lardy chin shaking with mirth. He’s on his mobile phone, so I turn back to face the rather nice door man as we shuffled closer to the entrance. He catches my eye and I smile at him, feeling wretched when he gives me a ‘god-you’re-a-saddo-coming-in-here’ look. I’m desperate to say, “No! I’m being paid for this, just like you. You and me? We’re both working tonight.” However, I appreciate how ridiculous that would sound, so I keep quiet instead. My stomach lurches as we pass through the doorway and follow the line down the stairs and into the darkened nightclub. The first person I see at the bar is Adrian-from-Floor-2, and I notice Tam’s eyes light up when he nods over with a confident ‘hi’…..


Chapter One

Chapter Nine

Chapter Eleven

Our first meet in Second Life - tonight!

I've set up a group in Second Life, called (strangely enough) Staying Single. I'd like to open an invitation to everybody to join this group - hopefully we will get to know each other over the next few weeks, share a few tales of woe and hilarious anecdotes, and have a few laughs along the way.

Our first meet up is 9pm (UK time) -
which is
1pm WCoast USA/Canada,
4pm New York,
6pm Tokyo,
7pm Sydney,
9pm Auckland NZ

This first meet will be in The Blarney Stone Irish Bar, Dublin - to be found at co-ordinates 82,80,25.

If you're not sure how to find it, either email me at singlesophieregan@yahoo.co.uk or find me in Second Life - I am SophieRegan Jewell - I'll teleport you across!!!

Come and join in the fun!! I was a Second Life 'newbie' until a few weeks ago, and everyone is really friendly and helpful - it's a quick and painless learning curve, and you never know til you try!

See you there maybe?

Chapter Nine

Ugh, waking up drunk just isn’t the same as going to sleep drunk. It seemed like such a great idea last night, but I’ve suffered all day long. I know this is flimsy, but I was dreading seeing Adrian-From-Floor-2 at the lifts this morning. I’d worn my Nicole Richie style white-framed sunglasses to hide my tired eyes. Just in case. But he was nowhere to be seen – which is just as well, because I think a whiff of his Macchiato would have finished me off! It was around 11am when I remembered how intexticated I’d been, and I truly cringed at the recollection of the text message to Ben. It simply doesn’t bear thinking about. Especially as I checked my phone at least every hour today, and he hasn’t even replied!

Early night tonight. I’m signing off for the day…

*

My dreams are deep and confused, littered with the many men by whom I’ve been hurt or dazzled, ditched or delighted to get rid of. Mike, the recovering alcoholic who’d said, “You looked better when I was drinking,” (and meant it, although, he insisted not in a cruel way. He was so focussed on his recovery; he had no idea what a crap thing that was to say!) Jimmy, who’d taken me on a week-long holiday to the Maldives and then had the nerve to say that the sight of my arse going in to the sea turned him off me. I was only 19 at the time and I remember feeling desperate about myself. I’d suggested that we complete the holiday as friends and go our separate ways when we got home. Which we did, and I kept a brave face on it, but was deeply and privately devastated at his wicked comments. Which were deepened on meeting him 2 months later with a proper ‘fat-bottomed-girl’ on his arm. Alex treated me terribly, until my self-esteem lay in tatters, unlike my knickers, around my ankles. He didn’t want sex and made the most ridiculous excuses not to. We were together for 4 years and, around year 2 he began to turn his arse to me in the bed. He had the nerve to say to me once how he’d had so many women prior to me, that he’d overdosed on sex. I’d looked at him in disgust and retorted, “Funny that, being as Mick Jagger is twice your age and never had that problem!” Needless to say, the relationship was going nowhere and so I jumped – both the sinking ship, and then, his best mate, Carl! Who was the most fabulous indulgent guy that I ever had! Carl was a free spirit who believed in open relationships, and the medicinal, healing elements of sharing his free love…. Which is glorious when you’re not emotionally connected or are blissfully ignorant about his life for those 23 hours a day that you don’t see him. But when you start finding him interesting and sexy and realise that he’s fucking with your head as well as your body, things start to change. And how they did. I became obsessed with Carl and his harem. So when he stopped calling me and avoiding my calls it was clear that I’d mutated into the complete opposite of his free-love paradigm. Bloody ‘Free Love’, what did he think love was, bloody Tibet or something?

*

I’m woken just after 10am by my mobile ringing and I knock over my bedside glass of water as I grope blindly for it beside my bed. It’s Tamsin,

“Morning Soph. All geared up for tonight?”

“Tonight?”

“You still asleep? I’ve woken you, haven’t I?”

“Yeah,” I groan, flopping my head down onto the pillow once again and closing my eyes.

“Sorry. Thought you’d be out getting spray tanned ready for our speed dating night.”

“Yuk, I’d forgotten.”

“No you hadn’t. You’re just in denial. Anyway, I’ve been thinking. It’s madness, me coming to pick you up. Why don’t I get Rob to drive me over to you and then we can get the Tube from Belsize Park to Leicester Square. It’s only a few stops on the Northern Line.”

“OK, whatever you think. Will Rob mind though? Bringing you here?”

“Course not. He’s got a big job on somewhere near Belsize Park station and he’ll be heading that way. Some guy with a fleet of cars that he wants repairing. You know Rob, any chance to keep his overalls on and get his head under a bonnet! Anyway, I’ve done so many favours for my brother – it’s about time I started getting some back!”

“Whatever you think, I’m too tired to use my brain. See you about 7.30 still? I’ve leave the door on the latch.”

“No,” Tamsin replies, “maybe 7, as we’re getting the train.”

“OK,” I’m too tired to listen, so I nod and cut her off, “7.30 it is then….”

*

By 6 I’m compos mentis once again and gyrating to ‘Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves’ around the kitchen in my underwear as I wait for the hair straighteners to hot up. Rooting through cupboards as I shake and wiggle, I look for something to eat but nothing takes my fancy. It’s an unspoken rule, prior to going out for the evening, to avoid wheat to prevent bloating (I don’t want to look 6 months pregnant at speed dating – there’s something unethical about that!), I don’t want anything remotely garlicky, or any food items that requires stirring, flipping or beating. The noodles look decidedly tempting once again, but a glance at my neglected fruit bowl convinces me to go for a large cherry and banana smoothie.

“Standin' on their own two feet, and ringin' on their own bells,” I sing as I throw fistfuls of cherries into the jug along with a bag of frozen chopped banana. Grabbing the vodka bottle, I pour a generous 4 seconds worth in too. Well, a girl can’t go through a trauma like speed dating without a little social lubricant! Pushing the lid down tightly I flick the switch to extra fast and leave the kitchen quickly, the squeals of solid lumps of frozen banana being sucked toward the blades drowning out Aretha Franklins sisterly vibe. My wrap dress lies obediently on the bed, its left arm over its head, like a body from a crime scene and my Moschino sandals wait patiently, toes forward, facing the mirror. Catching my reflection I notice that the Johnson Holiday Tan has begun to take effect, leaving me with freakishly unattractive slices of white on the backs of my arms and left shin. This isn’t good! That’s not what it says on the tin! I despise myself for making such an effort, but it’s a tricky dilemma – going to speed dating, knowing you’re going to hate it, but desperate that someone will like you. Wouldn’t it be deemed as an heinous crime to go speed dating, and for guys to decide they didn’t like you – based on only 3 minutes to chat? It surely doesn’t get much more self-esteem shattering than that! I hadn’t decided to stay single to go to these efforts with my appearance, but I am categorically not going speed dating looking like I intend to be single! As Aretha comes to a halt I’m aware of the blender, still screeching in the kitchen. Walking back through to switch it off my house phone rings so I grab it on the way through. It’s my faux American Mother,

“Hey babeee, I got some fab news honey. He’s asked me to marry him! Can you believe it!”

I adore the American accent, but my mother does it no justice whatsoever, her Irish twang like flat notes throughout.

“What? Hang on, let me turn the blender off.”

“Babeee, what the heck is that? We’re getting married Sophieee, a Christmas wedding.”

“What? Mum! That’s only seven months away. Are you sure? Hang on; I’ve got to turn this off.” Her voice switches back to her South Dublin accent immediately, “Oh for Christ’s sake girl, you wanta get yourself a life! Jesus, you only live once.”

And at that split second, the lid flies from the blender, shooting thick pink smoothie like a chocolate fountain, all over my kitchen.

And me.

I scream and close my eyes as the thick liquid hits me in the face.

Momentarily, everything stops, except for cherry smoothie as it leaps from the glass jug.

I open my eyes to see it dripping in gloops from my hair, sliding down my walls and cupboards slowly and hanging like stalactites from the ceiling.

In the sudden silence my Mum screeches down the telephone,

“Sophieeee? Babeee? You OK? You been shot, babeee?”

And then I hear another voice. It’s Tamsin’s.

“Bloody hell, Soph. What happened? You OK?”

And as I wipe the slime from my forehead and eyes and see her standing, with Rob, at my kitchen doorway, I realise that I’m still wearing only my grey underwear and am polka-dotted with fruit juice.



Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Ten